I am a walking contradiction...

I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to my own taste.~ Marcel Duchamp

A dictionary defines Contradiction as -opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas. I have to say that in many instances in my life that is totally me. A walking, talking contradiction.


I was lying in bed one night trying, as usual, to quiet my mind and fall asleep when this blog topic took hold. That is, a lot of times, when I get my best ideas. I have been known to sit up and start writing when this happens. Which can cause a lot of sleepy days. But hey, it's what I want to do, write, so I have to take the ideas when I get them.


While thinking thru my life, and this blog topic, I realized how very back and forth and contradictory, I can be.

~ I love sports and at times eat and breathe them. especially baseball & football. I plan nothing during certain football Sundays and won't go to showers or b-day parties planned during football. I often think who the hell plans a get together during a football game. And i laugh at the outdated(in my mind) notion of the football widow, wasting her time on a sunday diddling around the house because her husband is all about the game. I'm the one that would be on the couch beside my guy saying hey get me a beer while you're up.

    Contradiction?I am a girly girl. I love to dress up and wear makeup and surround myself with pretty things. I love getting my nails done. I'm all about girls nights and dinner parties and candles and wine w/ candlelight. Open my door for me, hold out my chair, help me on with my jacket and you will impress me.Just as I will show off the twins, flirt with a guy shamelessly and laugh at all his dumb jokes.

~I need and crave neatness around me and feel that everything should be clean and in it's place. It gives me a sense of inner calm and peacefulness.

  Contradiction? My house can be an absolute shitstorm sometimes. Stuff all over, things need to be dusted etc. I hate picking up after anyone else so I don't, which then compounds the problem and makes the place messier. Believe me, when you live in a two bedroom apartment with another adult(the kid is 24 after all) a dog and two cats, it doesn't take long for the place to get messy.


~I love to entertain. I love having people over, getting ready for it is so fun with the food and the cleaning. I like to think I am a good hostess and most people will tell you I throw a mean dinner party or party in general. 

  Contradiction? I despise it when people pop over or stop by unannounced. When someone knocks on my door, i won't even open it. I like my privacy and my house is my haven. I need my alone time and don't feel like dealing with entertaining someone who isn't a planned guest.My own parents don't even stop by without calling.


~I am the ultimate wingman. I pride myself on my wingman capabilities and have been successful at if for years. If the guy or girl I am hanging out with wants to meet someone, find something out about someone, or even get rid of someone annoying them, they know I am the wingman that gets it done. I have at different times played the part of the ex girlfriend, lesbian lover,(which by the can backfire depending on the guy you are trying to get rid of LOL) cousin or sister that gets the job done.

  Contradiction? I friggin hate ALWAYS being the wingman. It's like always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. My friends are never my wingman and it gets to be annoying as hell after a while. Hey, how about we just sit here and drink beer and talk... why do I have to be the one doing all the work for someone else to get laid or a phone number? Where's my pay off in this? Do you know how many times I've met someone interesting only to find out they are interested in one of my friends and they want me to work it for them? How about talking to me about ME for once... instead of telling me about you and asking me about the guy or girl I am with that you are interested in.


~I love to be busy. I love having a list of things to do or work piled on my desk. I enjoy starting at the top and working my way thru the pile. The sense of accomplishment is awesome.

   Contradiction? I am lazy as shit and unmotivated in so many ways. I can spend a day fooling around on my computer, writing or surfing and then at 6pm wonder where the day went. I will think about the things I need to get done with hate and say I am the boss and screw it if I don't want to do them.


~I love getting a good haircut. Getting my hair blown out and straightened or curled. having it look perfect every time it's done. If it's a bad hair day I feel like crap

    Contradiction? I hate, HATE anyone touching my hair. Always have, and probably always will. Don't play with my hair or brush it for me... don't even touch it. (well unless your a boy who happens to be pulling it, but that's a whole other blog topic LOL). I go to a girl at Haircuttery in West Goshen who is fantastic at what she does, but it takes me months to get up the oomph to go see her.


~I hate confrontation. I don't like arguments or drama or all the negativity that come with them. I am a libra thru and thru who craves peace and harmony. I should have "Can't we all just get along" tattooed on my forehead.

  Contradiction? Fuck with me, or my kid, my family or friends and to quote Snooki -" I will come at you like a squirrel monkey" LOL oh God she's a piece of work...sorry. As I was saying, I am a slow burner. I don't have the quick Irish temper like so many of my people do. Well at least with anyone who isn't my kid... And when you push me too far, I will unleash the hounds of hell and open up a can of whoop ass on you. Not physically, but I can cut with words like a ginsu infomercial. And the quieter I speak, the more trouble you are in.


~I love love. Plain and simple.I am happy being single but a different happier person when I am in love. The butterflies, the great sex, the dates & late night phone calls or texts. Sharing myself with another person, good and bad, and trusting that person is such an amazing feeling.

   Contradiction? I suck at picking men to fall in love with. Most of the time they are unavailable, either emotionally or legally. I fall quicker then they do and end up hurt while they walk away unscathed forgetting I exist in a matter of days. The real kicker? I don't think, in my 47 years, that I have ever been in a relationship where I am loved as much as I love the person I am with.


Sooooo guess you found out a little bit more about me with this one. These are only a few of the life contradictions I see in myself. 

The ying & the yang of Stacey!

Too much time to think can be dangerous...

So spent a lot of time with myself in my head this past weekend and week. Sewing all nighters for Eagles jerseys means music's playing, brains working and thoughts I manage to push aside most of the time pop into my brain to be dissected and examined. The psychologist/coach part of me says "good for you! Embrace those thoughts, deal with them and get rid of them..."  The strong silent part of me says "hide those feelings & stop thinking about this shit- make it go away" . Then there's the stoic Irish part of me which says "Feckin shite  -drink a damn beer & get the hell over it already girl". (my irish part likes beer...)


 All of it pisses me off and makes me want to write about it but I find that I am self censoring myself which pisses me off even more. I should be able to talk about anything I want on my blog - after all this is me damn it... BUT something's holding me back so i turn to music.It's all in the words... A few songs that are speaking to me  - that I will allow to speak FOR me here...for now.


Kenny Chesney - Somewhere With You



Missy Higgins - Where I Stood, acoustic live version



Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page



Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly from the movie Once

Mumford & Sons

I put some of these up on Facebook but i had to put them on the blog too. For some reason I just love these guys and all their music speaks to me. I think they sound Irish but they are from England.  the words to this one struck very close to home... just awesome!



Next ones called the Cave. This one is my daughters favorites!



and now the last one is the the first song I heard them sing. I love it and can't ever get it out of my head!



Now i need to go listen to some Irish music LOL!

Lessons Learned or Thank you John!

Soooo getting over the one I let go of... the struggle to move forward... almost won but filled with what if's and whys that will never be answered because we no longer speak. The ability to see things with a clearer eye and a harder heart.

It can be disconcerting to look back on the past year of my life and realize i was wrong about so many things. But at the same time use those lesson to move forward, ever wiser, vowing to never make the same mistakes again.As i move forward, ready to step over the final hurdle in the world of bruised and battered hearts, I find myself wishing i could thank him for all the lessons he taught me. The good and the bad...and so i blog it.

Knowing he'll never read it but that's ok - because some will and they will make the connection. And others will see themselves in my words and perhaps it will give them solace. But most importantly, by saying it, it makes it real, and i lay the bricks i will walk on that take me to that ever shrinking final hurdle of getting over him. I see the light on the other side and it's lovely & freeing and healthier then anything I've seen in years.

So... thank you John!

"~ Thank you for teaching me how to trust again, with my whole being, Thank you for giving me back the ability to open those doors I hadn't even known I closed. For helping me close a long useless chapter in my life and move forward.

~For showing me that friends, no matter how close, can still lie to you and stab you in the back and yet be forgiven. Thank you for forcing me to realize that regardless of history and time and feeling, some people are disposable when they have served their purpose.

~Thank you for proving that my intuition was always right - that you would leave me and go back to her once she was thru with her years of distractions and she realized you were moving on - even tho you were days away from signing the final papers.

~Thank you for making me appreciate the fact that I was strong enough and brave enough to choose a life of happiness by going thru with my divorce, instead of choosing the easy way out and staying in a marriage where i was never loved the way i deserved to be.

~Thank you for taking what we had, and what we could have had and making it into something neither of us recognized or wanted in the end. Thank you for making me feel like less of a person the last time we were together, and lying to me about it to save yourself from... well, to save yourself from yourself. And making me realize that I deserved so much more.

~Thank you for using me, to pass the time, and live a different lifestyle, while you waited for your vanilla life to come back to you. That lesson taught me that no one is really ever who they proclaim to be.

~Thank you for not having the balls to end what we had but yet getting over it so quickly, when I ended it,that 2 weeks later you were back to playing happily married house.

~~And lastly, Thank You for making me realize that some people really don't change from when they were 15 yrs old, some men really do all their thinking with their dicks and that just because someone may feel like home...they really aren't. "

Go into the light Carol Ann, it's beautiful! Ahhhh yeah, I got this & I can finally say I am over it!