Saturday, July 24, 2010

28 hours w/ no sleep - look at all the pretty colors.

Soooo this is what it feels like to be truly sleep deprived. Been up since 8am friday! Nothing to eat, until about an hour ago(thank you Dre! You are a lifesaver mama! love you!) and a general overall feeling of being hit by a truck.

I will not go into the reasons why right now... i reserve the right to keep certain family things close to the vest. Suffice it to say, a family member was in trouble and is now safe. Thank God. But after 12 hours of pure hell, i find myself unable to close my eyes and sleep.

And so I blog. Life is scary sometimes, things happen that I have no control over but am required to clean up. And i do it with a positive attitude and a semi smile (am i smiling ... is my face melting?? LOL) because i love my family and my friends.

But every time we are faced with a reminder of how precious our lives are, we learn to appreciate things that much more. I may be poor, but it's getting better. I may not be where I want to be in my life right now, but I am so going in the right direction.  I may be single, but i am surrounded by family and friends and so much love that most days I can feel my grinchy heart grow 3 sizes too big.

I have so much to be thankful for, so much to consider myself blessed by that I know in my heart every moment is special. Sleep or no sleep, drama or boredom, I know that when my feet hit the ground each morning  I've been given the gift of another day. Another chance to right my wrongs, give some hugs, dream some dreams, miss some people and love some people and live a wonderful glorious life.

And so tired and a bit beaten up emotionally... I leave you with this quote that says it all. Oh and 1 more thing... tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Treat them like the gifts they are. Life is short my remember-

Embrace indulgence~Play, Play, Play~Get EXCITED~Laugh out LOUD~Love your life!!! ~Stacey

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Thoughts on waking up broken...& dancing alone

"And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."

Wow this quote kind of says it all for me today. I find as I go thru my daily life that less and less time is spent thinking of the man I spent so many months with in the past year. That is a good thing, right? But then there are days, like today, where every time I close my eyes, all I see is his face. Why does this happen? It's like having a broken leg that spontaneously heals itself and every morning you hop out of bed pain free. Until that random day, when you hop out of bed & you end up on your ass in pain, because for whatever reason - you are broken...again.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being single, Seriously I do. I enjoy having the remote to myself, keeping hours I want to keep. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone about where I am or who I am with. Not that I ever really had to answer to John, he never really cared what I was doing or who I was doing it with. There was not a jealous bone in his body, at least when it came to me... which I guess should have been my first clue right? But you get what I am saying. 

I still find tho, with all I have going on in my life, that at the end of the day I miss telling him about it. No matter how much good natured bullshit we would give each other, when push came to shove, I knew that he was in my corner, as I was always in his. I could call him and talk about anything and know that by the time we hung up I would have been laughing and feeling better, no matter the situation. I miss the friendship we developed, and I feel the hurt of betrayal more for that loss then the loss of a bed partner. 

I pride myself on my ability to maintain friendships with my ex's. My ex-husband and I still see each other at my families gatherings and can finally joke around about "when we were married". Others, I see out and about, share a beer with, call when I am in trouble, and generally consider them friends in my life. 

Which brings me back to the quote that started this post - "And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."  Do I think John is missing me? Thinking about me? Feeling the pain of the loss of me in his life? No. I actually think i barely cross his highly compartmentalized mind. 

No... on this I dance alone, as I often did thru-out our relationship. As I have often done thru-out my life. 

To quote writer Doug Manning (Copyright © 2010 Doug Manning. All rights reserved.) "  We can't change the past.  The healing path is found by backing up, taking a more objective perspective, and letting go of that which we can no longer change.  Lighten up.  Laugh.  Let go.  Create some distance between yourself and whatever is making you so serious.  The healing path begins when we head the opposite direction from where our emotions would like us to go.  Throughout life... we are wise to "make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." 

And so I dance...