Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Thoughts on waking up broken...& dancing alone

"And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."

Wow this quote kind of says it all for me today. I find as I go thru my daily life that less and less time is spent thinking of the man I spent so many months with in the past year. That is a good thing, right? But then there are days, like today, where every time I close my eyes, all I see is his face. Why does this happen? It's like having a broken leg that spontaneously heals itself and every morning you hop out of bed pain free. Until that random day, when you hop out of bed & you end up on your ass in pain, because for whatever reason - you are broken...again.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being single, Seriously I do. I enjoy having the remote to myself, keeping hours I want to keep. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone about where I am or who I am with. Not that I ever really had to answer to John, he never really cared what I was doing or who I was doing it with. There was not a jealous bone in his body, at least when it came to me... which I guess should have been my first clue right? But you get what I am saying. 

I still find tho, with all I have going on in my life, that at the end of the day I miss telling him about it. No matter how much good natured bullshit we would give each other, when push came to shove, I knew that he was in my corner, as I was always in his. I could call him and talk about anything and know that by the time we hung up I would have been laughing and feeling better, no matter the situation. I miss the friendship we developed, and I feel the hurt of betrayal more for that loss then the loss of a bed partner. 

I pride myself on my ability to maintain friendships with my ex's. My ex-husband and I still see each other at my families gatherings and can finally joke around about "when we were married". Others, I see out and about, share a beer with, call when I am in trouble, and generally consider them friends in my life. 

Which brings me back to the quote that started this post - "And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."  Do I think John is missing me? Thinking about me? Feeling the pain of the loss of me in his life? No. I actually think i barely cross his highly compartmentalized mind. 

No... on this I dance alone, as I often did thru-out our relationship. As I have often done thru-out my life. 

To quote writer Doug Manning (Copyright © 2010 Doug Manning. All rights reserved.) "  We can't change the past.  The healing path is found by backing up, taking a more objective perspective, and letting go of that which we can no longer change.  Lighten up.  Laugh.  Let go.  Create some distance between yourself and whatever is making you so serious.  The healing path begins when we head the opposite direction from where our emotions would like us to go.  Throughout life... we are wise to "make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." 

And so I dance...

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