The joys of living with PTSD...

 PTSD -  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- a disorder that people can develop after experiencing a traumatic event, such as emotional or physical abuse, the threat of death, seeing or experiencing any horrific accident, or even experiencing the death of a loved one.

So this should amuse some of you who know me too well... Been having a little problem with my driver side door when trying to open it from the inside. Just got back from Wawa and the door wouldn't open. No matter what I did. And of course I panicked, and started thinking I was stuck in the car forever.

 Started looking around the car in a panic, wondering who I could call - damn it don't have my cell phone. How long would it take for someone to find me, for someone to help - heart beating fast, breathing rate accelerated, full panic mode on the horizon. I see the bags from the store -  thank God I had cigs and food... Then I look at the passenger door, I look out the window, feeling like a sitting duck ...until I realized I could scoot across the seat and get out the passenger side. 

This, my friends, is the best example of living w/ PTSD i could ever give... and it all happened in a matter of 1 maybe 2 minutes tops!

It's been 10 & 1/2 years since the attack, then the stalking for a year after the attack and finally leaving ME behind and going "underground" for 4 more years. Hell even up to the last days I was in PA I was still turning a corner and seeing the man who tried to kill me... and not just in my imagination. I would see him at the gas station I went to, or the bar I drank at that he was allowed in for years. I never felt safe but my move changed that. Over 2 hours away, I don't hide anymore. I have bills in my name and a presence on the internet. I have my moments still (see above) But it is getting so much better.  

There is no true "gut instinct" when you have PTSD. I still have one - but i can't always trust it. You feel more like you exist in that "fight or flight" mode on a more constant basis than people who don't suffer from this silent brain screwer upper. 

I know myself well enough to know that something is bothering me for me to react the way that I did to a blocked door. Could be my job, money issues, or the fact that I haven't physically seen my kid since March. Could be a combination of all three and more. 

So I still may see the boogeyman in the shadows, and feel like a blocked door signals impending doom, but the fact that I am laughing about it means it's getting better LMAO. Thank God!

A little change is good... a lot of change is Fan-friggin-tastic!

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”~Rosanne Cash


Soooo I changed the blog background etc. You likey? Time to try on something new. It doesn't make my butt look big does it? My old set up was messing up the videos and had a lot of empty space so I wanted to widen things up.


Also, on Wednesday... you ready for this? I am buying my domain name for the book website! WOOHOO!!! I spent some time doing research this weekend and found the webhost AND my domain name is available. I will be going DOT COM baby!!! Very exciting!


This of course means that I have to stick with the name of the book I have chosen which is so friggin final but okay too. I haven't thought about calling it anything else in the past 9 months so I guess the name will stick.


Now I have to decide if I should move everything over to the dot-com site or keep it totally separate for the book. That's a whole other decision I am not prepared to make right now LOL. God forbid I over tax myself.


I am also going to buy staceygatescharter.com as well. Not sure what I am doing with that one yet. And in case you were wondering, umm no, I did not win the lottery. My webhost (as most web hosts are) is extremely affordable. Like, $3.50 a month affordable. which is what...$42.00 bucks a year. Or $84.00 a year for both sites. It will be my Christmas present to myself! I am going with one of the top 10 web hosts available and am very excited! I will tell more about the host and the domain name once the deal is done... Promise!


Hey what can I say I'm Irish and don't want to jinx anything. We are a superstitious group.


That means I will have 2 websites, this blog (if i don't convert it over), my personal Facebook page and my Spread the Positivity Now Facebook page. WHEW!!  It also means this weekend coming up will be full of website design and writing. Which is a great thing since I will be heading to the beach from Friday thru Monday. Then with a little luck I will also be at the beach for the weekend after Thanksgiving as well.


So the times, they are a changin' and it's a wonderful thing!!


“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” ~Unknown


...and that quote just about says it all, doesn't it?

It's ain't the water that's troubled, Mr. Bridge!

Ahhhh the bane of my existence, the Joker to my Batman, the friggin worst bridge ever that throws me into a panic attack...almost always!! This, boys and girls is the C & D Canal Bridge to Rehoboth Beach. It spans the Chesapeake & Delaware Canal and is located in St Georges, DE.


Metal and cement and some weird wire design make it a bridge to be marveled ... I, on the other hand, hate it! Not only do I hate, I fear it. To the point of ridiculousness!
I am not sure when the panic attacks on the bridge started-Tho I believe it may have been the summer of 2002. The same year I was attacked in my home. I had driven to the Delaware beaches so many time before with no troubles, when that summer day as I drove over the bridge I felt like I was going to die. I can only assume it's a part of the Post traumatic stress disorder I have suffered from since the attack.


If you've never had a panic attack then you are lucky. They are horrible and can come out of nowhere and strike...even when you are going 65 mph over a damn bridge full of traffic.  Everyone is different in what they experience. Here's what happens to me...My  heart races, the flight or flight adrenalin you feel when you are in serious danger kicks in, which in turn causes my breathing to be more hyperventilation then keeping you alive, breathing. My muscles tense up and at times I feel like i have no control over my legs. Add to those feelings, the idea that I am actually still driving the car, at 65 and if I look wrong or someone moves or God forbid the wind blows, in my mind,the immediate result will be death.


My daughter recently asked me what i was afraid of and like so many others who suffer from anxiety disorders, I honestly did not know. I am an educated, well read, intelligent 46 year old woman. You  would think I could answer that question! But in all seriousness, I do not know why my body reacts the way it does. I am not afraid of falling off of it - other bridges don't bother me.

“Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination.”

Christian Nevell Bovee

1 in 58 Americans will suffer a panic attack this year... 1 in 58!! I used to think I was the only one who suffered this debilitating issue until I opened my mouth and started talking about it. I started hearing stories from my friends about how they also suffered from anxiety or panic attacks. A few also had the driving issue,like i do - tho not on the same bridge as me. One of my friends was an acquaintance for years until we started really talking and realized we had these issues in common. That discovery led us to become closer and now I count her as one of my favorite people in the world! Funny what can bring best friends together!


So I have been battling this behemoth bridge and my panic about it for years. Over memorial day weekend I drove to the beach alone and actually made it over my nemesis with little issue. On the way home it was even easier. So when i drove to the beach this past Thursday I figured I had this bitch beat... uh guess again. i drove over the bridge Thursday night and had such a panic reaction i had to pull over and let my daughter drive. Unfortunately riding with my daughter then made the panic worse lol. She drove fine but I always panic when she drives so it was a lose lose. Then when i took the wheel back we ran into darkness and torrential downpours for 30 miles outside of the beach.


It was debilitating, horrible and dangerous. Once at the beach I was fine. Drove all over, no issues, no panic. Then when i drove home I was absolutely fine... no panic over the bridge whatsoever. So now what do I do? How can I move to the beach if I can't drive over the stupid bridge and come home to visit? So I ask for advice... anyone have this issue? How do you handle it? get over it? Deal with it? Please let me know because    I have a lot more beach trips in my future and I need to kick this damn bridges ass!