The joys of living with PTSD...

 PTSD -  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- a disorder that people can develop after experiencing a traumatic event, such as emotional or physical abuse, the threat of death, seeing or experiencing any horrific accident, or even experiencing the death of a loved one.

So this should amuse some of you who know me too well... Been having a little problem with my driver side door when trying to open it from the inside. Just got back from Wawa and the door wouldn't open. No matter what I did. And of course I panicked, and started thinking I was stuck in the car forever.

 Started looking around the car in a panic, wondering who I could call - damn it don't have my cell phone. How long would it take for someone to find me, for someone to help - heart beating fast, breathing rate accelerated, full panic mode on the horizon. I see the bags from the store -  thank God I had cigs and food... Then I look at the passenger door, I look out the window, feeling like a sitting duck ...until I realized I could scoot across the seat and get out the passenger side. 

This, my friends, is the best example of living w/ PTSD i could ever give... and it all happened in a matter of 1 maybe 2 minutes tops!

It's been 10 & 1/2 years since the attack, then the stalking for a year after the attack and finally leaving ME behind and going "underground" for 4 more years. Hell even up to the last days I was in PA I was still turning a corner and seeing the man who tried to kill me... and not just in my imagination. I would see him at the gas station I went to, or the bar I drank at that he was allowed in for years. I never felt safe but my move changed that. Over 2 hours away, I don't hide anymore. I have bills in my name and a presence on the internet. I have my moments still (see above) But it is getting so much better.  

There is no true "gut instinct" when you have PTSD. I still have one - but i can't always trust it. You feel more like you exist in that "fight or flight" mode on a more constant basis than people who don't suffer from this silent brain screwer upper. 

I know myself well enough to know that something is bothering me for me to react the way that I did to a blocked door. Could be my job, money issues, or the fact that I haven't physically seen my kid since March. Could be a combination of all three and more. 

So I still may see the boogeyman in the shadows, and feel like a blocked door signals impending doom, but the fact that I am laughing about it means it's getting better LMAO. Thank God!

around and around...

UGH! Can you belive the Phillies LOST??  It sucks because now I have to wait until Spring for more Phillies ball. And do not even get me started on the Eagles. Oh well there's always the Flyers. such is the life of a Philly sports fan. You win some... you lose a lot. LOL


Still in limbo here in slower lower, as I wait for the PA DMV to copy and mail me my PA drivers license. I can't start working at the one job I got at Cracker Barrel, until I have that license in my hand. Once I get the license I have to go to social security and get my replacement card as well. But that will only take an hour or so. So I float - with no money coming in and a feeling of nervousness at my situation. Spinning around and around in that catch-22 circle. I hope the person who stole my purse is still enjoying it. Because I sure as hell am still cleaning up the mess they made.


(For those of you too young or not from the US who may question what a "Catch-22" situation is or what Catch -22 means:A Catch-22, coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, is a logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired by not being in that very situation; therefore, the acquisition of this thing becomes logically impossible. A real life example of this - much easier to understand would be -A man tries to get a job with a company, but they won't hire him because he has no work experience in that field. He cannot gain work experience because he cannot get a job in that field without experience. ~copied from Wikipedia - Catch-22)


It amaze me how one act can have such a ripple affect on so much of my life. And instead of utilizing my time off, I sit around and do nothing - or surf the web for other jobs. I have so much to get done in my house that I should be doing but haven't gotten off my ass to do them yet.  Which in turn makes me feel more useless and annoyed. another Catch-22 if you will... but one I can solve by getting over myself and becoming productive. I swear PROCRASTINATION should have been my middle name. Why put it off for tomorrow that which you can do the next day...LOL or something to that effect.


 I know that part of this is the PTSD rearing it's ugly head. Part of it's stress from the money situation and pure laziness as well. But really, what good is it doing me to dwell? To use this as an excuse to simply exist instead of live and thrive?


Here is my positive, moving forward affirmation and to do list for today-


Only I can control my actions and only I can change them. I refuse to stress about things that I have no control over - the license, the job, the money.... Instead I will only concentrate on that which I can accomplish. By doing that, I will then be able embrace the positive feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.  


So here is my promise to myself for today. I feel if I put it on the blog, I will be held more accountable for it. Tonight before I go to bed I will let you know what I have actually done. Even more accountability...


Today I have decided to work myself ragged. When I fall into bed tonight I will be exhausted from the sheer volume of everything I have accomplished today.

•  I will clean my house today, including scrubbing the floors and getting into those corners and under the furniture.(this is really something is should do 2x a week because of the dog hair and I haven't done it since last week) 
•  I will finish painting the hallway today and then paint the cabinets and around the light fixture in the bathroom. All of which will be the same bleach linen color so it will be logical transition from one to the other. 
• When that's complete, I will head out to the screened in porch and vacuum it before it rains, so I can enjoy it more when the weather is cool.(ugh - cobwebs and spiders abound... this will be a tough one to accomplish)
•  I will eat a decent meal today - not a can of tuna or a handful of crackers. (yes - even tho I may be overweight, I do not eat enough. Sounds silly I know but when I am stressed I don't eat. )
• I will call the DMV in Harrisburg and see what is going on with my license replacement.
• I will call Cracker Barrel and explain to then that once again I will not be able to start the job because my license has not arrived yet (this one is the hardest on the list for me to complete...makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it)

So there is my list. This is how I have learned (God bless you life coach Andrea Owen) to stop listening to those negative gremlins in my mind and get my head out of my own butt and get things done. Okay peeps - it's time to kick ass! Wish me luck!

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 1

Day 1 - A picture of yourself with 15 facts.

Fifteen Facts about me...

1. I hate having my picture taken.
2. This picture was taken in August of 2009
3. I was heading on a special date with the guy I had been seeing and my friend did my makeup and hair.
4. She is now an ex-friend because she turned out to be a life sucking whack job.
5. I hate clowns... HATE clowns!
6. Yes even Ronald McDonald!
7. I want to bartend again.
8. I am Irish.
9. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because someone attacked and tried to kill me 10 years ago, but I take meds for it and have it mostly under control.
10. I hate taking showers.I take them, but I hate them. I think it has something to do with the PTSD  - hey I said it was MOSTLY under control.
11. I want to learn self defense- Haganah F.I.G.H.T.- so I can kick ass if I ever need too.I mean really kick ass... Like Ziva on NCIS.
12. I believe in God. Tho I am not super religious (organized religion), I am very spiritual and I live my life based on my belief in God and Karma.
13. With #12 said, I also curse like a truck driver (sometimes), love a good beer, am pro-choice, Liberal and love a fantastic romp in the sack w/ a sexy ass man. I think that I can be both 12 and 13 with no angst. God told me it was cool with him.
14. I believe in One Love. Be it between a man and a woman or 2 men or 2 women. Regardless of race, religion or sexuality. We are born loving who we love and should never be judged, or treated as lesser beings,because of it.
15. I am most proud of the fact that I managed to raise my daughter to believe in # 14 as well.

We're not in Kansas anymore ToTo

I pride myself on my positivity. the ability to see the silver lining in every single rain cloud. That positive mindset has gotten me thru some pretty nasty shit in my life. Divorce after 15 yrs of marriage, ovarian cancer at the age of 28, the murder of a friend by her husband, who was also a friend,being attacked and then stalked by my attacker for a year... you get what I'm saying.  I handle what I can, with the help of family and friends... beer...Jameson(or Glenfiddich)... therapy...paxil... whatever it takes. I then slough off the rest and look for the lessons, look for the learning experience and what i can use to move forward healthier and happier. 


I am not ashamed of my struggles. I am not shy about sharing them with those I trust, if asked. But this time, it's not about me and I am finding the positivity hard to come by...because I feel powerless to fix the issues. As a parent, as a mother whose done it on my own for 14years, I am unable to right the wrongs in my childs life.


 I am in a place I don't find myself often... a place of anger and negative emotion I am unable to shake right away. I find my old pain in the ass Post traumatic stress disorder rearing it's ugly head and my ability to walk thru the shitstorm that is presently over my head, is being tested. It's like I have turned a piece of myself off, so i won't feel the loss of control and the powerlessness.  I've been thru enough psychology classes and lived thru enough therapy sessions to know that this is not a good sign.


I compare the feeling to walking thru the center of the tornado. It's calm and quiet but I know everything around is spinning out of control. One false step and I will be sucked up in the vortex and spit out 10 miles away in a battered heap. But all the while I murmur positive things to the ones I am with and smile when I am supposed to smile. I take the lead and hold the hands and tell everyone everything will be fine. But in truth my heart is breaking and I forget where I put the keys. The remotes in the freezer and the ice cube tray is on the coffee table.


When is too much just too much I used to ask myself...  I guess it's when the shitstorm includes my child.