Monday, September 3, 2012

The joys of living with PTSD...

 PTSD -  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- a disorder that people can develop after experiencing a traumatic event, such as emotional or physical abuse, the threat of death, seeing or experiencing any horrific accident, or even experiencing the death of a loved one.

So this should amuse some of you who know me too well... Been having a little problem with my driver side door when trying to open it from the inside. Just got back from Wawa and the door wouldn't open. No matter what I did. And of course I panicked, and started thinking I was stuck in the car forever.

 Started looking around the car in a panic, wondering who I could call - damn it don't have my cell phone. How long would it take for someone to find me, for someone to help - heart beating fast, breathing rate accelerated, full panic mode on the horizon. I see the bags from the store -  thank God I had cigs and food... Then I look at the passenger door, I look out the window, feeling like a sitting duck ...until I realized I could scoot across the seat and get out the passenger side. 

This, my friends, is the best example of living w/ PTSD i could ever give... and it all happened in a matter of 1 maybe 2 minutes tops!

It's been 10 & 1/2 years since the attack, then the stalking for a year after the attack and finally leaving ME behind and going "underground" for 4 more years. Hell even up to the last days I was in PA I was still turning a corner and seeing the man who tried to kill me... and not just in my imagination. I would see him at the gas station I went to, or the bar I drank at that he was allowed in for years. I never felt safe but my move changed that. Over 2 hours away, I don't hide anymore. I have bills in my name and a presence on the internet. I have my moments still (see above) But it is getting so much better.  

There is no true "gut instinct" when you have PTSD. I still have one - but i can't always trust it. You feel more like you exist in that "fight or flight" mode on a more constant basis than people who don't suffer from this silent brain screwer upper. 

I know myself well enough to know that something is bothering me for me to react the way that I did to a blocked door. Could be my job, money issues, or the fact that I haven't physically seen my kid since March. Could be a combination of all three and more. 

So I still may see the boogeyman in the shadows, and feel like a blocked door signals impending doom, but the fact that I am laughing about it means it's getting better LMAO. Thank God!


  1. Hugs, I so understand. Congratulations on being able to laugh about it.