A pondering I go...

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks maybe, where everything and nothing flows thru your brain like water? Something keeps you from focusing enough to recognize a clear thought process and everything...or nothing...gets all jumbled up in there? That's been me for the past few days. Not sure why. Not sure if it's good or bad. I am sure it's annoying to my creative side as I like to have a clear idea when I write. Instead, I seem to be destined to produce a stream of consciousness, that will ramble this way and that. A good thing,every now and then maybe, when you are a blog writer. But a kick in the taint if you are trying to write a book. And while I have never (thank you God) been kicked in the taint, I imagine it to be painful and ugly.

 I have bounced from chapter to chapter writing a lot but not completing anything. Going back and changing things the next day as the stream flows differently. Going back the third day and scrapping half of the work I had done because it's totally not what I envisioned for the book. I stand at the crossroads of  Unclear & Bewildered and wonder what it is I am doing. Seriously...what am I doing? I am almost at the point of no return with "This Is Me Damn It!" the book. The point where I have to pull all the chapters together, decide how & to who (whom?) I will market it, and come up with a cohesive summary that will wow the publishers that I will send my book proposal. The proposal itself is a long process that excites me at the same time it terrifies me.

Add to this the resume writing that I am doing at the same time. Since I realize that being dirt poor and literally hungry some days, is not in my game plan for too much longer. I miss the 9 to 5, the order out of chaos, the routine of setting the alarm and being responsible for something. I have been working steadily since I was 14 years old, and as I fast approach 48 I am not used to being at home for this long. No 401k , or health insurance, or water cooler chat to enjoy. No steady paycheck either, which is even tougher to take. Especially since I have rent, cable, electricity, etc, etc...

While looking for a job, I think to myself, do I hide the blog? Of course not, I think, this is me ...damn it! LOL What I write will not keep me from getting a job somewhere but you and I both know, dear reader, that in this electronic age, everything is found. Hell Google me, you'll see what I mean. For that matter, Google yourself too. You would be amazed what shows up. For someone (me) who was off the grid for 3 years, I came back pretty damn strong. There was a time where you couldn't have found so much as a Myspace account in my name, while I hid from the stalker. I still don't have my car or my phone in my name to this day. But Google me and you will find my cell number. In the first page. Tho I will admit, the panic that makes me feel has lessened considerably over the years I have been back above ground.

 So while I have decided I won't hide the blog, I find myself second guessing what I write based on the job search. Annnndddd we all know how I hate that self-censoring. Hmmm, me thinks if we were in a therapists office, that last sentence might lead to..."and how does that make you feel Stacey?" Maybe thats's where the scattered thoughts are coming from? The self censoring irritates me so much that perhaps I am sabotaging myself and my writing.  

Well, hell! Holy epiphany , Batman... I may have just figured it out. And look at that...I took you along for the ride there didn't I? My previous Life Coach, Andrea Owen would be so proud of me. Her voice was in my head there for a bit. So let's work this out together here... I haven't been writing the blog because I have been job searching and worried about having to self censor myself in case my future employers find it. We've already established that I hate having to self censor myself. So Instead I have been writing the book and stumbling. Almost self censoring in the book writing as well. It seems to be a vicious little circle and I appear to be going around and around. 

Soooo I write what I want on the blog, damn the man and all that. Then once I start doing that the little self censoring gremlins in my head will shut the hell up and I will be able to coherently and orderly continue writing the book.  

Hmmmm I feel like I should pay you guys now... or at least make an appointment for next week. Could you update the magazines in the waiting room please?