Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's always our self we find in the sea.

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea.
~e.e. cummings

Since I can remember, I have felt the call of the ocean in my soul. Like a wayward sailor who only breathes freely when there's salt in the air. My father and my brother feel the same way. An ache appears in my heart when it's been too long between visits to the beach. The sounds and smells echo in my soul and call me no matter where I am or what I am doing.  Too poetic for you?? Then fine, here it is plain and simple...I crave my ass in the sand and my toes in the water. 

It's been a rough couple of months here at the OK corral. I find myself balled up inside, where the toxic mingles with the good. My heart, my soul, my body... bruised and battered, broken in a few places, just seems to resist the usual positive reinforcements that always bring me back from the edge. I have this feeling that I am at a crossroads in my life... on the verge of something huge! But past mistakes and heartaches are keeping me tied down instead of letting me move forward, or onward and upward.

I shall go the way of the open sea, To the lands I knew before you came, And the cool ocean breezes shall blow from me, The memory of your name”~Laurence Hope

There are changes and decisions that I must make, people I must forget, past hurts I must forgive. And at times like this I find the only place I can go to make this happen is to the ocean. My friend Bob and I used to take all our troubles and pretend to throw them in a mental box. We'd tie it with a bow and go sit on the beach and mentally throw it in the ocean. We would sit there watching the waves and the water until the box, in our minds eye, sank out of sight. It would be a cleansing experience. I always found that after doing that, very few of those troubles would find there way back and if they did, they would be so much more manageable. 

I know that someday, probably sooner then later, I will live by the water. In all honesty, a move like that would be best made now - while I have no ties to a job, or a man, to keep me here. But as most know, my family and friends are what make life so wonderful and I fear a move like that would be tougher because of having to sever those daily connections. As I said... changes and decisions to be made.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."  ~Isak Dinesen

 So...I will sit on the sand and think and dream and let go of that which is no longer healthy.  I will cry a few tears and form a new plan and come back whole and ready to begin again. 

And so I run.  Not away, but to... I run to the sea.


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