Tuesday, April 27, 2010

BECAUSE OF YOU... living w/ the memories of abuse

I have struggled for many years & finally found some peace. For the first time in a while, tonight; i felt afraid, I got walked to my car, I watched my rear view all the way home, I have locked the doors and shut the windows.,I have set the traps.For the 1st time in a long time i came face to face with the man who tried to kill me... who stalked me for a year... and he waved.

How dare you, you bastard... you come into my HOUSE... my bar and wave at me like we are old friends. You tried to kill me in February of 2002! You then stalked me for a over a year after that... always alluding the police, every time i called them. I put you in jail, numerous times! I had an unprecedented 18 month PFA (protection from abuse) because the judge felt that my fear was justified. I went underground for 3 years... no one but the chosen few knew where i lived, knew where i worked.

You used to stalk me in my home, running your fingers across the screen of my bedroom window. Because of you, I learned how to shoot a gun. Because of you I learned how to shoot pepper spray, Police issue... Because of you i took a spray to the face to become certified. Because of you I still have a torn rotator cuff that I refused to get fixed... because you had already given me enough pain. Because of you, i feared anyone who came into my personal space, anyone who touched my neck or back in a loving way... because you tried to strangle me and kill me. Because you punched my elbow and made it hyper extend, tearing my shoulder and dislocating it. Because of you no bills were in my name for 4 years. because of you I had to learn how to trust again, something i didn't do until I met the man who is currently in my life. Because of you i have been diagnosed as having PTSD... Post traumatic stress disorder- and i take meds every day to help me deal with it. Because of you, you psychotic mother f$cker... my life has been something to work thru and get over.

Because of you, I find myself right back in the deep hole i fought for so long to crawl out of... And you waved at me , you son of bitch... like we were long lost friends. Because of you, you f'ing bastard, i will beat this yet again. I will backtrack and set my traps and look over my shoulder until i am yet again strong enough to deal with the fear.

Come and get me you bastard... because of you, I will never, ever again let anyone have that control over my life. Because of you I have a dog that will rip your throat out before you can even get in the door. Because of you I am strong... I will win... i will be whole.

Because of you, I will prove you wrong.. I will survive... I will THRIVE!

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