I've been a bad blogger...

I know ... random much? Ha! I do so love this picture tho. Me sainted gran-da would be tellin' me "Now that's how you drink The Guinness me love" 

So where have i been?   Training non stop at the new job working all kinds of funky hours. Then there was Christmas, and the loss of some wonderful people who all passed away too soon.

Travels home for the holidays and visits from friends and family here. Sometimes when I get home at night my brain is so fried it's all I can do to talk to the dogs. BUT i noticed the change in my moods, the need to express being stymied. I bought journals and never wrote in them. I took pictures I never shared. I spent way too much time on facebook or watching Investigation discovery channel or NCIS and found myself numbing out instead of focusing on what was good and important.

Broke , as usual, I found myself wondering how I could be so poor when I was working 40 hours a week and when I was on unemployment I could make ends meet. It's a sad state of affairs and one that can be changed... but only I have the power to do that. After 2 years of not working a secure steady job I have now found one, but the joy of living at the beach means that the pay is 50% less. 


I haven't been writing when i should because my free time, my muse if you will,has been replaced by reality. But if you're lucky enough to live at the beach, you're lucky enough... and I seemed to forget that for a few weeks.


So I'm back and I have an overflowing brain of things to write. The book is still simmering and is on my goal list. Life is still a beautiful, wild, lovely state of affairs and I've finally kicked my own ass enough to be able to realize that again...every day. 


And so I write. 

getting back to normal...

So finally I have gotten everything I need in order to work (and identify myself as a US citizen). My PA license repl & my social security card are in my happy little hands. I also got a call from a well known dept store and they offered me a job. Not exactly sure what the title is but I will be working at the customer service desk, over seeing the cashiers and working layaway as well. It will keep me busy and I can't wait. One problem is the amount of pay - it pays 7.75 per hour...which I find very surprising and it's part time. But it is a job and that is something to be thankful for...and I am! It's seasonal but if I do a good job thru the next 2 months then I could be offered a permanent position.

I knew when I moved down here to the beach that I would not be making the money I made in West Chester. I also knew that I could live comfortably on half of the salary I was getting in PA. In order to do that I need to make at least 13.00 an hour for a 40 hour work week. So now I will wait and see what my actual schedule is and then try to find another part time job with 20-25 hours a week. Hostessing or office work - something I can work around the dept store job. 


I feel blessed every day when I wake up in my own house at the beach. I know that I am living a dream of mine that I truly didn't know would ever come true.Part of living that dream is knowing that money is not what is needed to be truly happy. I also think about how much my life has changed in the 3 months since I have been living down here permanently. All great things! 


So I will work where I can and as much as I can knowing that at the end of each day I am 3 miles from the beach and the ocean I love so much.

Truly blessed!

A pondering I go...

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks maybe, where everything and nothing flows thru your brain like water? Something keeps you from focusing enough to recognize a clear thought process and everything...or nothing...gets all jumbled up in there? That's been me for the past few days. Not sure why. Not sure if it's good or bad. I am sure it's annoying to my creative side as I like to have a clear idea when I write. Instead, I seem to be destined to produce a stream of consciousness, that will ramble this way and that. A good thing,every now and then maybe, when you are a blog writer. But a kick in the taint if you are trying to write a book. And while I have never (thank you God) been kicked in the taint, I imagine it to be painful and ugly.

 I have bounced from chapter to chapter writing a lot but not completing anything. Going back and changing things the next day as the stream flows differently. Going back the third day and scrapping half of the work I had done because it's totally not what I envisioned for the book. I stand at the crossroads of  Unclear & Bewildered and wonder what it is I am doing. Seriously...what am I doing? I am almost at the point of no return with "This Is Me Damn It!" the book. The point where I have to pull all the chapters together, decide how & to who (whom?) I will market it, and come up with a cohesive summary that will wow the publishers that I will send my book proposal. The proposal itself is a long process that excites me at the same time it terrifies me.

Add to this the resume writing that I am doing at the same time. Since I realize that being dirt poor and literally hungry some days, is not in my game plan for too much longer. I miss the 9 to 5, the order out of chaos, the routine of setting the alarm and being responsible for something. I have been working steadily since I was 14 years old, and as I fast approach 48 I am not used to being at home for this long. No 401k , or health insurance, or water cooler chat to enjoy. No steady paycheck either, which is even tougher to take. Especially since I have rent, cable, electricity, etc, etc...

While looking for a job, I think to myself, do I hide the blog? Of course not, I think, this is me ...damn it! LOL What I write will not keep me from getting a job somewhere but you and I both know, dear reader, that in this electronic age, everything is found. Hell Google me, you'll see what I mean. For that matter, Google yourself too. You would be amazed what shows up. For someone (me) who was off the grid for 3 years, I came back pretty damn strong. There was a time where you couldn't have found so much as a Myspace account in my name, while I hid from the stalker. I still don't have my car or my phone in my name to this day. But Google me and you will find my cell number. In the first page. Tho I will admit, the panic that makes me feel has lessened considerably over the years I have been back above ground.

 So while I have decided I won't hide the blog, I find myself second guessing what I write based on the job search. Annnndddd we all know how I hate that self-censoring. Hmmm, me thinks if we were in a therapists office, that last sentence might lead to..."and how does that make you feel Stacey?" Maybe thats's where the scattered thoughts are coming from? The self censoring irritates me so much that perhaps I am sabotaging myself and my writing.  

Well, hell! Holy epiphany , Batman... I may have just figured it out. And look at that...I took you along for the ride there didn't I? My previous Life Coach, Andrea Owen would be so proud of me. Her voice was in my head there for a bit. So let's work this out together here... I haven't been writing the blog because I have been job searching and worried about having to self censor myself in case my future employers find it. We've already established that I hate having to self censor myself. So Instead I have been writing the book and stumbling. Almost self censoring in the book writing as well. It seems to be a vicious little circle and I appear to be going around and around. 

Soooo I write what I want on the blog, damn the man and all that. Then once I start doing that the little self censoring gremlins in my head will shut the hell up and I will be able to coherently and orderly continue writing the book.  

Hmmmm I feel like I should pay you guys now... or at least make an appointment for next week. Could you update the magazines in the waiting room please?