A pondering I go...

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks maybe, where everything and nothing flows thru your brain like water? Something keeps you from focusing enough to recognize a clear thought process and everything...or nothing...gets all jumbled up in there? That's been me for the past few days. Not sure why. Not sure if it's good or bad. I am sure it's annoying to my creative side as I like to have a clear idea when I write. Instead, I seem to be destined to produce a stream of consciousness, that will ramble this way and that. A good thing,every now and then maybe, when you are a blog writer. But a kick in the taint if you are trying to write a book. And while I have never (thank you God) been kicked in the taint, I imagine it to be painful and ugly.

 I have bounced from chapter to chapter writing a lot but not completing anything. Going back and changing things the next day as the stream flows differently. Going back the third day and scrapping half of the work I had done because it's totally not what I envisioned for the book. I stand at the crossroads of  Unclear & Bewildered and wonder what it is I am doing. Seriously...what am I doing? I am almost at the point of no return with "This Is Me Damn It!" the book. The point where I have to pull all the chapters together, decide how & to who (whom?) I will market it, and come up with a cohesive summary that will wow the publishers that I will send my book proposal. The proposal itself is a long process that excites me at the same time it terrifies me.

Add to this the resume writing that I am doing at the same time. Since I realize that being dirt poor and literally hungry some days, is not in my game plan for too much longer. I miss the 9 to 5, the order out of chaos, the routine of setting the alarm and being responsible for something. I have been working steadily since I was 14 years old, and as I fast approach 48 I am not used to being at home for this long. No 401k , or health insurance, or water cooler chat to enjoy. No steady paycheck either, which is even tougher to take. Especially since I have rent, cable, electricity, etc, etc...

While looking for a job, I think to myself, do I hide the blog? Of course not, I think, this is me ...damn it! LOL What I write will not keep me from getting a job somewhere but you and I both know, dear reader, that in this electronic age, everything is found. Hell Google me, you'll see what I mean. For that matter, Google yourself too. You would be amazed what shows up. For someone (me) who was off the grid for 3 years, I came back pretty damn strong. There was a time where you couldn't have found so much as a Myspace account in my name, while I hid from the stalker. I still don't have my car or my phone in my name to this day. But Google me and you will find my cell number. In the first page. Tho I will admit, the panic that makes me feel has lessened considerably over the years I have been back above ground.

 So while I have decided I won't hide the blog, I find myself second guessing what I write based on the job search. Annnndddd we all know how I hate that self-censoring. Hmmm, me thinks if we were in a therapists office, that last sentence might lead to..."and how does that make you feel Stacey?" Maybe thats's where the scattered thoughts are coming from? The self censoring irritates me so much that perhaps I am sabotaging myself and my writing.  

Well, hell! Holy epiphany , Batman... I may have just figured it out. And look at that...I took you along for the ride there didn't I? My previous Life Coach, Andrea Owen would be so proud of me. Her voice was in my head there for a bit. So let's work this out together here... I haven't been writing the blog because I have been job searching and worried about having to self censor myself in case my future employers find it. We've already established that I hate having to self censor myself. So Instead I have been writing the book and stumbling. Almost self censoring in the book writing as well. It seems to be a vicious little circle and I appear to be going around and around. 

Soooo I write what I want on the blog, damn the man and all that. Then once I start doing that the little self censoring gremlins in my head will shut the hell up and I will be able to coherently and orderly continue writing the book.  

Hmmmm I feel like I should pay you guys now... or at least make an appointment for next week. Could you update the magazines in the waiting room please?

...the BEST is yet to come!

So another Christmas has come and gone. I think a lot of people feel a little bummed after all the planning and the hype, and excitement. Then bam, it's done and you feel sad. Nothing left but the clean up. But this year, for me, I don't feel that. It's different for me for some reason.


This time last year my life was VERY very different. I had a job that I thought was secure. I had a relationship, was in the process of falling in love and I thought that was secure too. My parents were both working and living on the farm. My bills were paid , my life was orderly and i was happy.


Then January came and most of that changed. I lost my job. Laid off thanks to the economy. Apparently when the money is bad the marketing department is the first to get laid off. My relationship changed... and for the most part ended. Tho i would allow it to drag on for another 4 months, I think i knew in my heart he was lying to me and instead of going forward with his divorce and some sort of thing with me, he was starting to think about getting back together with his wife. Which is exactly what happened when I finally pulled the plug in April.


My dad scheduled his knee surgery and was told he would be forced to retire in September of 2010 so my parents rented an apartment around the corner from me in the same building. With no money coming in other then unemployment, i was struggling to even put food on the table. it was a bad month, to say the least.


Then i started working with a life coach who began to point me in the right directions. I started writing my book, which will be published and available for sale before or on my birthday in October of 2011. I developed new friendships, reconnected with old ones and started dating again. Found some fun and some great sex and even better guys then the one I was leaving behind and that helped me move forward and get over him...for the most part.


I love having my parents live so close and enjoy every minute I get to spend with them. Dad seems to be enjoying retirement but seems to be ready to get something part time soon. I've started studying to be a life/business coach myself and look forward to finishing that up and moving forward with that new challenge.


And so as this January roles around, and I put Christmas behind me again, I find an excitement for what's to come. Not a sadness at a another year gone by, but pride at what I have been able to accomplish. I've learned that change is good and freeing and healthy! I have an undeniable sense that the best is yet to come and it's just waiting for me to find it. And find it I will.


So bring on 2011... it's gonna be fantastic!