No matter what I say, I will always love you...

 Listening non stop to Adele's 21. God Lord I am so glad this was not out a year ago... This kinda says it all...
"Next time I'll be braver, 
I'll be my own savior, 
When the thunder calls for me, 
Next time I'll be braver, 
I'll be my own savior, 
Standing on my own two feet"


And she covers one of my all time favorite songs...LoveSong by the Cure.


"Whenever I'm alone with you 
You make me feel like I am home again 
Whenever I'm alone with you 
You make me feel like I am whole again"


Sweet Jeebus every word this woman sings speaks directly to me. 


"I heard that you're settled down, 
That you found a girl and you're married now, 
I heard that your dreams came true, 
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you, 
Old friend, why are you so shy? 
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,"


Is it wrong that after all this time, I still miss him? I don't miss "it"... But I miss him. 


If I could talk to him I would ask, "How much of it was real? And how much of it was lies?"

As I look back with a clearer mind, I realize that,perhaps, I saw only what he wanted me to see. Maybe everything we had was just a lie...and really, in his world none of it matters. Except to me...

We're not in Kansas anymore ToTo

I pride myself on my positivity. the ability to see the silver lining in every single rain cloud. That positive mindset has gotten me thru some pretty nasty shit in my life. Divorce after 15 yrs of marriage, ovarian cancer at the age of 28, the murder of a friend by her husband, who was also a friend,being attacked and then stalked by my attacker for a year... you get what I'm saying.  I handle what I can, with the help of family and friends... beer...Jameson(or Glenfiddich)... therapy...paxil... whatever it takes. I then slough off the rest and look for the lessons, look for the learning experience and what i can use to move forward healthier and happier. 


I am not ashamed of my struggles. I am not shy about sharing them with those I trust, if asked. But this time, it's not about me and I am finding the positivity hard to come by...because I feel powerless to fix the issues. As a parent, as a mother whose done it on my own for 14years, I am unable to right the wrongs in my childs life.


 I am in a place I don't find myself often... a place of anger and negative emotion I am unable to shake right away. I find my old pain in the ass Post traumatic stress disorder rearing it's ugly head and my ability to walk thru the shitstorm that is presently over my head, is being tested. It's like I have turned a piece of myself off, so i won't feel the loss of control and the powerlessness.  I've been thru enough psychology classes and lived thru enough therapy sessions to know that this is not a good sign.


I compare the feeling to walking thru the center of the tornado. It's calm and quiet but I know everything around is spinning out of control. One false step and I will be sucked up in the vortex and spit out 10 miles away in a battered heap. But all the while I murmur positive things to the ones I am with and smile when I am supposed to smile. I take the lead and hold the hands and tell everyone everything will be fine. But in truth my heart is breaking and I forget where I put the keys. The remotes in the freezer and the ice cube tray is on the coffee table.


When is too much just too much I used to ask myself...  I guess it's when the shitstorm includes my child.

Thoughts on waking up broken...& dancing alone

"And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."


Wow this quote kind of says it all for me today. I find as I go thru my daily life that less and less time is spent thinking of the man I spent so many months with in the past year. That is a good thing, right? But then there are days, like today, where every time I close my eyes, all I see is his face. Why does this happen? It's like having a broken leg that spontaneously heals itself and every morning you hop out of bed pain free. Until that random day, when you hop out of bed & you end up on your ass in pain, because for whatever reason - you are broken...again.


Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being single, Seriously I do. I enjoy having the remote to myself, keeping hours I want to keep. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone about where I am or who I am with. Not that I ever really had to answer to John, he never really cared what I was doing or who I was doing it with. There was not a jealous bone in his body, at least when it came to me... which I guess should have been my first clue right? But you get what I am saying. 


I still find tho, with all I have going on in my life, that at the end of the day I miss telling him about it. No matter how much good natured bullshit we would give each other, when push came to shove, I knew that he was in my corner, as I was always in his. I could call him and talk about anything and know that by the time we hung up I would have been laughing and feeling better, no matter the situation. I miss the friendship we developed, and I feel the hurt of betrayal more for that loss then the loss of a bed partner. 


I pride myself on my ability to maintain friendships with my ex's. My ex-husband and I still see each other at my families gatherings and can finally joke around about "when we were married". Others, I see out and about, share a beer with, call when I am in trouble, and generally consider them friends in my life. 

Which brings me back to the quote that started this post - "And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."  Do I think John is missing me? Thinking about me? Feeling the pain of the loss of me in his life? No. I actually think i barely cross his highly compartmentalized mind. 


No... on this I dance alone, as I often did thru-out our relationship. As I have often done thru-out my life. 


To quote writer Doug Manning (Copyright © 2010 Doug Manning. All rights reserved.) "  We can't change the past.  The healing path is found by backing up, taking a more objective perspective, and letting go of that which we can no longer change.  Lighten up.  Laugh.  Let go.  Create some distance between yourself and whatever is making you so serious.  The healing path begins when we head the opposite direction from where our emotions would like us to go.  Throughout life... we are wise to "make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." 


And so I dance...